if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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