I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
