seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
