You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
