I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
