Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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