Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
