I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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