you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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