I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
