God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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