Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
