I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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