Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize