Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
