Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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