and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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