Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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