Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
