Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
