I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
