I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
