I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
