I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
