TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
