My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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