My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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