...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
