The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
