Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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