Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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