yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
