woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
