i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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