YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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