There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
