I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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