I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I want a musical about memes.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
