Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
