Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
