I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
