My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
