Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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