Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
