Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Can i not drive my cunt home
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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