8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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