Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
