She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
