what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i came on her dog
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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