DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
