We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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