census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize