I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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