he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
