The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
