you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
