Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
