When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
