i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
